


i've made it this far on my own (everyone prays in the end)

by spaceandvinyls



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Based on a Sam Smith Song, Drabble, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, just my thoughts, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 09:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceandvinyls/pseuds/spaceandvinyls
Summary: dan goes to church by himself to deal with unfinished business between him and god. based sometime after 2015.





	i've made it this far on my own (everyone prays in the end)

**Author's Note:**

> this is my response to dan's new video. it's just my creative interpretation of events and not something i personally believe happened, aka fiction and not something i want to get yelled at for. i had fun writing this and i hope you enjoy it :') also, the title is from sam smith's "pray" which i would recommend giving a listen to.

when dan looks out the window, it’s as cloudy and dreary as every other day this week. it’s stopped raining, though, which means he can finally get on with his plans for today. grabbing a key from the bowl by the front door, dan zips up his coat. “i’m going out,” dan calls.

“have fun,” phil replies from the other room. dan knows he’s editing a video right now and probably couldn’t care less about what dan’s doing, so he doesn’t mind.

it isn’t as cold as dan expects it to be once he steps onto the sidewalk. it’s refreshing, the slight breeze strong enough to make dan pull his hood up as he sets off down the street. he’s almost waiting for the rain to start up again at any moment. despite that, he takes his time, thinking about what he’s going to say when he reaches the place he needs to be.

the church isn’t all that big, and thankfully there’s nobody else there, but dan takes in a deep breath before pushing open the wide door and walking inside. he hangs his coat on the seat of one of the pews and sits beside it, clasping his hands together and closing his eyes.

“it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” dan thinks to himself. not exactly to himself, but more to the person he hopes is listening. “i don’t know why i haven’t bothered visiting before or why i’m here now. but i want to let you know that i’m okay. the last time we talked, i wasn’t, and i was frustrated because you couldn’t help me. i waited for so long for something to happen, something to change, and it never came. i thought you’d abandoned me.

“i’ve since realized you never left. you gave me the strength to remember all the loved ones i’d be leaving behind, all the opportunities i’d never see come to pass, if i took my life. forgive me, lord, for forgetting that your love is constant. you wouldn’t change who i was even to make me happy. i’m grateful for the many years i’ve spent healing. i thank you for the day you gave me phil and every day since then.

“and maybe it’s time i told him what only you and i know. i’ve been afraid to tell him because i don’t want to think about what i did and who i would have become without you. but i haven’t truly been able to move on. so maybe it’s time, with your guidance, that i do.”

dan opens his eyes and wipes his face with his hands, leaning back against the pew. he stands up and nods. _not so scary after all, howell._

as he walks home, the soft london rain falls from the sky. it’s probably symbolic of something, but all dan cares about now is getting home to phil. he tries to focus on phil and not about the things he has to share with him. even after all these years, it still makes dan sick to his stomach to think about the person he used to be and the life he thought he was going to leave. thinking about phil brings him out of that place, because even if god isn’t real and wasn’t the one who saved him, dan owes his life to phil.

dan sets his damp coat by the door and drops his key into the bowl again. he knocks on phil’s door, assuming he’s still editing, which he is. “hey,” dan says softly.

phil turns around in his chair, “hey. where have you been?”

“just went out for a walk,” dan shrugs, walking over to sit on the edge of phil’s bed. it’s not entirely the truth, which isn’t a good start to this conversation. phil’s never known about dan’s relationship with god, and dan wants to keep it that way. but maybe that’s another change he’ll eventually make.

“can we talk about something?”


End file.
